Outsmarting The Secret

My sister and I are having a phone conversation.  I have just finished reading (skimming) The Secret and I am trying very hard to speak in Secret-friendly language.  Those of you who know what The Secret is and know who I am can understand the challenges this poses. 

“So,”  I say to her, “it turns out you can’t even say ‘I am infertile,’ because all the universe hears is ‘infertile,’ and that makes you infertile.”

“I don’t think that makes you infertile.”

I continue, ignoring her pragmatism.  “What you have to say is: ‘I am fertile.  I am rich.  My child sleeps until 8 a.m.’  You also have to imagine that all your bills are checks and you have to white out the balance on your bank statement and write in what you want your balance to be.”  This last directive is a real problem for me considering I have no idea where our last bank statement is and we don’t own any white-out. 

The problem is that when I talk to my sister on the phone I don’t want to say that I am fertile and rich and Grace slept until 8 a.m.  I want to worry and complain and make self-deprecating jokes and stay on the line until she makes me feel better.  But  I also want to try the positive-attracts-positive thinking of The Secret, I really do.

My sister has an idea.  “When you really need to tell me something, just turn the stereo up really loud.  That way the universe won’t be able to hear you.”